Recent events in my life (illusion) have briefly interrupted my journey towards a state of forgiveness, peace and love. I have not been reading the Course or doing the lessons in the workbook. I have, however, still been processing what little knowledge I have gained as I go through my daily experiences. I have always been an independent thinker and I question things that do not make sense to me, no matter where I encounter it. So when I read or learn something in the Course, I research it to the best of my ability to see if there is a way of looking at the particular topic that makes sense to me. I know I have a lot to learn and a lot of work to do to get to the state of peace and love I long for. I may not phrase my thoughts "correctly" according to the philosophies of the Course, I still make judgments, I still spend a lot of time in ego, in what has been my reality for many, many years. Although most of what I am hearing about the course seems to be taken literally, I am far more inclined to take figuratively. The world is not real, it is but an illusion......yes, because it is a small flicker in time because there is no linear time in God's world. If the world is an illusion, a dream, and there is no sin, we have license to do whatever we like without guilt or remorse. This part I can't buy. For, to me, if I do something that causes pain or harm to another, I am not practicing forgiveness and love as the course teaches. Again, I am a newbie to the teachings of the course and can't hope to comprehend for quite some time - at least until a year has passed and I have read the entire Course and completed the lessons in the workbook.
I am not sure what I am trying to say in this post, except that I am a bit confused, but still attempting to put into practice that which I read and learn. I did something about three weeks ago out of love and caring. This act caused some stress for two of my children, one more than the other. How did an act of love turn into such a catalyst for dis-ease in my home? I felt torn apart, not at all peaceful. Where was the love in my home? I tried forgiveness, but the daily dose of turmoil became unbearable. So I caved in to the pressure and made another decision out of love. This time out of love for my child. Another decision I hoped would restore peace and love to my family. Unfortunately, this latest decision has tormented me, and I am fighting the guilt, and once again, trying to forgive. On the one hand, I want forgiveness from the three people I hurt (my two children and another person dear to me) and on the other hand I am working on my own spirituality to forgive them. But what am I missing? I am an idiot sometimes and it took a CoDA meeting tonight to remind me of what I left out of the picture. Although I did everything I did with the best of intentions, it did not turn out as I had hoped. I hurt three people and I was hurt. I want them to forgive me and I want to forgive them. But I left out the most important step! I must forgive myself! I might have made some wrong decisions, said some wrong words, or caused others some pain; but I did it with the best of intentions so I need to learn what I can from this experience, forgive myself and move on in my path to a spiritual peace. Move on toward Home - where there is nothing but Love.
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